Okay you guys.
Last Wednesday was a small talk with my therapist, both my parents (they're divorced) and myself. Before my parents came, my therapist had finally told me from what I am suffering since three years. I was pretty shocked and couldn't believe my ears. Much friends and other people told me already, that my life and my problems sound 'like this and that' but I never believed them. Now I have to believe - and it'd be the perfect answer for everything that had happened in the past three years.
Okay, are you excited to hear the diagnosis? Fine, because my sickness is pretty hard. It's one of the most common personality disorders and there are three ways to get out of this disorder: 1) You're committing suicide, 2) you get a good therapy and can enjoy life again or 3) you'll never get fully healed.
The mysterious sickness I'm talking about is the borderline personality disorder. Sounds nice, doesn't it?
If you don't know that disorder, here are a few words about it: I'm absolutely moody, I'm trying to handle my 'feelings' (if you even can call those ... moods emotions) with a few things (like cutting, bulimia and an excessive sex life) and it's nearly impossible for me to build up a firm relationship (equal, if friendship or more).
Since I'm already in a therapy it's a bit easier to deal with my disorder, but it's still a hard life. I just have to remember all the conflicts with my ex-boyfriend (about nearness and no nearness and all those angsts I have as a 'borderliner'). Then there are these mental breakdowns that are mixed with panic attacks I only get when I'm feeling the emotion love (it's pretty strange, but I can't love someone without getting these mental breakdowns that aren't really ones but aren't panic attacks either).
You see, my life's pretty complicated but I got a few nice things for suffering from these cruel vagaries mother nature had as she made myself. And these things are: a high creativity, I have a higher efficiency and I'm pretty fixed on one primary subject ( = microbiology). So, if I get healed from the 'bad site' of borderline, the 'good site' will stay, am I right?
'Nuff talking about bad things.
The sun's shining here in Germany and we're having a splendid weather! I'm a bit meteorosensitive and so I have the best mood of all time (^o^). Besides the fact that I had a mental breakdwon mixed with a panic attack yesterday evening ... I don't know why but in my opinion I was just thinking too much about some memories and persons and so on ... Oh, that's a point I forgot to tell you about borderline. I'm absolutely drawn to certain objects (music goes as an object). So there are some songs / things I can't even listen to / touch, otherwise I would risk a fatal mental breakdown with subsequent attempted suicide.
I want to show you something but I don't have anything to show ... Either the pictures are bringing bad memories back or they're not that worth sharing ... Okay, I give it up. I just dug up old wounds - like two years back, autumn / winter '09 when I had my first real depression. Now, I just can say: I'm happy to still be alive and that I don't have to feel this agony again ... That's another point ... Because of my meteorosensitivity I get really bad depressive phases every winter. I think it has something to do with the rare sun hours and the lower vitamin D3 level or something, I don't quiet know.
Interesting diagnosis. I suffer from severe chronic Depersonalization Disorder, another dissociative disorder that is less known (but millions are still affected by DPD). Hopefully you will cope well, all my advice is to keep strong connections with those you love and to live life to the fullest.
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