Dicussion Monday: Bulimia

Okay, let me start something new here for celebrating my social reintegration - and on whose account I'm at home. I'm usually at the hospital on weekdays (: (I'll try to write one post every Monday but I'm sure that I won't have regularly the time for this - e.g. when I'm with my boyfriend, who lives 130km apart from my)

Let's start with one of my favourite topics: eating disorders - or specified: bulimia

I have bulimia since March this year, but my eating behaviour was a bit 'strange' way back before. Everything started in autumn / winter 2009.
I wanted to lose some weight and tried some 'new' methods. After the first week, I had lost 10kg and had only eaten 800cals the whole week. One of the major things I was eating was cucumber - because it only has 12cal per 100g. I forbade myself other food than lettuce, cucumbers, radish, appels and peppers. Once in a while I drank a glass of milk or ate a small piece of bread. I lost 12kg all in all.
For quiet some time my eating behaviour changed from undereating to normal, then to overeating and back again to undereating. I gained some of the weight I had lost.
Then, my New Year's resolution for this years was to finally lose the remaining 6kg. After a small phase of three months, when I struggled with my weight, did a lot of sports, ate healthy and enough and didn't lose any weight at all in the end, I decided to change back to the good, old 'anorexic' diet. One single week was fine, I lost two kilogramms - and then I had my first eating binge. It was horrible, I ate so much I wanted to die afterwards but I reacted nearly immediately.
The subsequent time was a stop-go between undereating and eating binges. I didn't lost any weight at all, I just gained 5kg and had some breakdowns from time to time when my blood pressure sagged because my heart was just too weak (-> my body had some deficiency symptoms).
What happened in the end? The bulimia made me depressive, I had really profound suicidal ideations and got weaker from week to week.
Then I hit rock bottom. It was the first of July and I travelled to my boyfriend to celebrate his birthday with him and his friends. Because of my borderline I can't handle the feeling love and when I saw the other man I truly adore besides my boyfriend, I had a mental breakdown, cut my arms and landed at a psychiatry.
The following week was again a stop-go between the three sentences 'I don't want to eat', 'I don't deserve food' and 'Before I eat again I'll die'. But I didn't lost a single gram.
On Wednesday, the 13th of July I was brought to the nearest psychiatry and since then I'm there for therapy. It was a good decision, even if the psychiatry made things worse in the beginning. I think, I'd have killed myself if I had not got the chance.

Sometimes I do love my disorder because 'she' gives me strength and self-confidence. But then there are the times I hate 'her' - e.g. when my throat is all sore again because of the immense purging (some days up to 10 times) or when I can't control myself and eat things I didn't want to eat in the first place ... I got some heart aches the other day either. If I had to make a guess, I'd say it's because of the bulimia.
And sometimes, just sometimes, when I ate too much again and am sitting over the toilet with my finger in my mouth, there's nothing coming out of my body. Those are the most difficult times because they mislead my sickened mind to suicidal ideations and I end up cutting myself.
Or the times I stand half-nacked in front of a mirror and stare at my body. When everything in my screams 'You aren't pretty. You are fat and ugly and obese [what I am certainly not; I just have to much muscles]!' then I hate 'her' again for doing all this to me. I just see the bad sides of my body then, like my big thighs, my butt and my belly. There's no seeing of the great waist, the beautiful face (as some say ...) and the long limbs I also have.
And because of all that I don't understand the people, who are idolizing Ana (anorexia nervosa) & Mia (bulimia nervosa) how they call them. Those disorders can make you die so easily! Are you sure you want to give up your life (it's interesting that this thought is coming from me - one of the biggest pessimists in the whole world).


So you see, my whole life is about destroying my body. It's nothing I'm proud of and I want to change something but I can't as long as I don't have the weight I want to have (I'm at 74,0kg right now and am aiming for about 65 to 68kg; I know that I can easily fall into the 'anorexic' me again but I'm just hoping this won't happen).

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And now: old vs. new picture of the day!

Oh geez, I'm looking so old in this picture, this is an old one from back when I had my first and hardest depression until now ('Anders' means different (: Lil' German lesson ^^).

And this is from the 24th of July when I went dressed-up shopping with my best friend (I just love my glance and the twin tails ^^). Please ignore the background (aka my bedroom).

Let's talk about music

Hey you guys, I just felt like writing a new post.
At first, I'm going to tell you my favorited genres. Those are Metalcore, Industrial & Electroclash.
Further, I hate those 'I'm-so-f**king-hard-because-I-listen-to-real-Metal'-guys. Every time I talk to them and say, that I love Metalcore (Deathcore), they're all like: Uh, that's no music, girl. My music is better ... bla bla bla. Do they know how that sucks? >.> It's my problem that I like Metalcore and not theirs - by the way, where's the problem? I see no such thing here. I'd love to punch them in the face and just say: My business, not yours. Let me hear my music and I let you hear your stuff. Where's the problem? Is it just that Metalcore is a new movement and especially teens love it, because it imparts different ideals and the subjects of the lyrics is a bit different from the 'classic' metal? I don't get it. Please, somebody explain it to me.
It's nearly the same thing as the collective hatred against cyber goths a while back. It was new, some people didn't like it and that was it. Okay, you don't like it. Why being bothered by them any longer? Just let them mind their own business as they let you mind yours (it was pretty extreme here in Germany, don't know where all the hatred came from ...).

Okay, so here are a few examples. Bands & songs I love et cetera.
One last thing: I like every kind of music; I just prefere the above-named genres.

Aww, just how I frigging love this song <33

This is Hardcore but I just adore the band (:

I love her German. It sounds super cute (:

No playlist without HSB. One of my all time favourites and they're German too!

Of course some Riot Grrrl

I love them not just for their s&m-shows but also for their splendid music! ;D

Some J-Rock

Melodic Death Metal (:

My eternal favourite. I love this song so much <3

Italian Electroclash

No playlist without Deftones ^^

This shall be the last example (I already have too much x'D). It's about my disorder but I still love this song

Furthermore, here are some bands listed I also love:

• Agonoize
• Breaking Benjamin
• Nachtmahr
• Asking Alexandria
• The Devil Wears Prada
• Echoes Of Eternity
• Emilie Autumn (what a shame! I nearly forgot her ... >.>)
• Escape The Fate
• Florence + the Machine
• Megaherz
• Rammstein (stereotypical band)
• My Chemical Romance
• Ayria
• Billy Talent
• Coldplay
• Katy Perry 
• and many more ...

Okay, the list is already too long but I'm still not finished with showing you all my favourite bands ^^
Jeez, I just love too much music ...

Every day life of a lunatic woman

Okay you guys.
Last Wednesday was a small talk with my therapist, both my parents (they're divorced) and myself. Before my parents came, my therapist had finally told me from what I am suffering since three years. I was pretty shocked and couldn't believe my ears. Much friends and other people told me already, that my life and my problems sound 'like this and that' but I never believed them. Now I have to believe - and it'd be the perfect answer for everything that had happened in the past three years.
Okay, are you excited to hear the diagnosis? Fine, because my sickness is pretty hard. It's one of the most common personality disorders and there are three ways to get out of this disorder: 1) You're committing suicide, 2) you get a good therapy and can enjoy life again or 3) you'll never get fully healed.
The mysterious sickness I'm talking about is the borderline personality disorder. Sounds nice, doesn't it?
If you don't know that disorder, here are a few words about it: I'm absolutely moody, I'm trying to handle my 'feelings' (if you even can call those ... moods emotions) with a few things (like cutting, bulimia and an excessive sex life) and it's nearly impossible for me to build up a firm relationship (equal, if friendship or more).
Since I'm already in a therapy it's a bit easier to deal with my disorder, but it's still a hard life. I just have to remember all the conflicts with my ex-boyfriend (about nearness and no nearness and all those angsts I have as a 'borderliner'). Then there are these mental breakdowns that are mixed with panic attacks I only get when I'm feeling the emotion love (it's pretty strange, but I can't love someone without getting these mental breakdowns that aren't really ones but aren't panic attacks either).
You see, my life's pretty complicated but I got a few nice things for suffering from these cruel vagaries mother nature had as she made myself. And these things are: a high creativity, I have a higher efficiency and I'm pretty fixed on one primary subject ( = microbiology). So, if I get healed from the 'bad site' of borderline, the 'good site' will stay, am I right?

'Nuff talking about bad things.
The sun's shining here in Germany and we're having a splendid weather! I'm a bit meteorosensitive and so I have the best mood of all time (^o^). Besides the fact that I had a mental breakdwon mixed with a panic attack yesterday evening ... I don't know why but in my opinion I was just thinking too much about some memories and persons and so on ... Oh, that's a point I forgot to tell you about borderline. I'm absolutely drawn to certain objects (music goes as an object). So there are some songs / things I can't even listen to / touch, otherwise I would risk a fatal mental breakdown with subsequent attempted suicide.

I want to show you something but I don't have anything to show ... Either the pictures are bringing bad memories back or they're not that worth sharing ... Okay, I give it up. I just dug up old wounds - like two years back, autumn / winter '09 when I had my first real depression. Now, I just can say: I'm happy to still be alive and that I don't have to feel this agony again ... That's another point ... Because of my meteorosensitivity I get really bad depressive phases every winter. I think it has something to do with the rare sun hours and the lower vitamin D3 level or something, I don't quiet know.

And now? What's going to be on this blog?

Or: What I have planned so far.

Okay, I absolutely love to dress up, even if I can't all the time (sometimes it's just me being lazy ...). Furthermore, I love taking pictures of my (even if I don't call myself beautiful or even pretty). Then I just have to learn taking pictures of every outfit I create, am I right?
That's one idea I have.
The second one is me walking through some of my favourite cities, taking pictures and showing these to you, who cannot visit these wonderful cities (I love to travel by train, which is one hell of an advantage in good, old Europe: the pretty thick infrastructure) - or just some of the German landscape, which can be absolutely fabulous. It just would be like an insider trip to Germany.

Then the usual stuff like music recommendations, books, clothing and every other thing that's on my mind.
Aaand the last idea: Talking about my issues. You'll soon know that this is a really heavy subject. I won't go much into details or so.

And here's one hint ... I bet you get it.

This is one of my issues ... And yes, this is me
Oh, and my skin doesn't really look that good.

Introduction - What's this about?

Hello there ^.^

This blog's just about my daily life and things I experience while living.
I'm Lina and am still going to school (3 1/2 years to go), I am from Germany and love everything about nature, animals, sports and sciences.
Further, you could call myself a Goth because I love to wear black and fancy clothing, but then you'd have to call me Emo, Pin-up and soon-to-be Lolita either. And to summarise all of this: I am the way I am and I love to wear the clothing I wear!
So you guys, I don't have quiet a lot of time since my therapy takes a lot (I have some issues ... I will talk about them in a future post). And that's because I can only write posts on saturdays & sundays.

Q: Why am I writing this in English even if it'd be easier for me to write in German?
A: I love speaking and reading English and it's good exercise since one of my major subjects is English and I'm going to chose it for my school leaving examination.
By the way, even if my English and Grammar are good, it doesn't mean that I don't make mistakes (for example: I have a little problem with commas because we Germans use a lot of them and you English people use just a few. So please excuse my 'misuse' of comas).

I hope we will have a lot of fun and share some memories together :3